My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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