today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize