you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
