Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
