I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize