She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
