After last night, I could never be a politician.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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