its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
