Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
