was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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