Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
