where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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