highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
