Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
