dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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