she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
