Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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