you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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