I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
