Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So much Jack, so little girl.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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