he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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