Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
