Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
