My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
