A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
