In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
