i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
