Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
