Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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