you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize