u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize