I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
