I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
