Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
