So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
