I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
