We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Panties = found
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize