i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
