Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
