I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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