I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
