how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
