Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
