Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
