Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
