Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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