Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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