Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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