never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
