I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i've created a new STD.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
