smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need a beard to bite.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
