Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Drunk is a universal language darling
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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