so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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