Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
