I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
