omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
