I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
